“I had to go through a lengthy adoption process, even though I am my child’s biological father”
Mychal Langenus, professor of management and strategy at the Faculty of Social Sciences and Solvay Business School, became a father a year ago together with his partner to their son Seth. That journey was marked above all by great gratitude and happiness, but also by uncertainty and difficulties. Because for a male couple, starting a family in our society is anything but straightforward. By telling their story, he hopes to help bring about change.
First of all: congratulations on your baby boy! How did your journey towards having a child begin?
Mychal Langenus: “Four years ago, we decided that we wanted to expand our family. Adoption seemed the obvious choice, so we attended the mandatory information sessions. When we heard that it could easily take 10 years before we could adopt a baby, that was quite hard to take. Are we going to focus on that for so long without even knowing whether it will work out? We then started exploring other possibilities, but we are still on a waiting list.”
That other possibility was surrogacy?
“When people asked whether we wanted children, we always answered honestly about our situation. Surrogacy did come up from time to time, and the fact that you can find very little information about it in Belgium. You can go to the United States or Canada, but that costs at least 150,000 euros, and we simply couldn’t afford that. Then a friend gave me the number of someone who, together with his partner, was being supported through a surrogacy process at UZ Ghent. He advised me to get in touch with UZ Ghent. They were very friendly and open, and we were able to come in straight away. In a conversation with a doctor who explained how the process can unfold, it became clear that if we made it through all the procedures – and there are many – we could have a baby within a year.”
“For male couples, none of the process is reimbursed, which means it is already not an option for many people”
And how do you begin such a process?
“The egg donor and the surrogate must be 2 different women. As a male couple, you cannot use the egg donor bank to obtain an egg, unless you take part in a donor exchange. My sister-in-law had previously indicated that she would be willing to donate her egg. But we still needed a surrogate. The surrogate must already have children, must no longer wish to have children, her pregnancies must have gone perfectly, she must be under 40, and you must know her personally. We know quite a lot of women, but suddenly it became a very select group.
Because my sister is the person I trust most, and because we could keep our story within the family that way, I plucked up the courage and asked her. She responded very thoughtfully; she wanted to take time to consider it properly and not react emotionally. She also had 2 young children and was in the middle of renovations. I reassured her that she could take all the time she needed, and that whatever her answer, nothing between us would change. A month later, I received a video call in which she let us know, via her daughter, that we were going to become dads. It was on the same day that I was going to propose to my partner — a very beautiful day.”
You had your donor and surrogate. What happened next?
“Then the first of many appointments at UZ began. Sharing information, checking whether we met all the conditions, consultations with psychologists ... Every 3 months there was a multidisciplinary meeting at which we were approved, and then the real screenings of my sister and sister-in-law began. My sister had to see an internist, have her uterus and organs checked. A process like this can reveal a great deal, and sometimes they find things that are not directly related but still have implications. After around 40 appointments, often involving all of us travelling to Ghent together, the 2 women were allowed to begin hormone treatments.”
And did things go smoothly straight away?
“At the first attempt, we had 5 high-quality eggs, but none of them began dividing sufficiently during the 5-day laboratory phase. There was quite a lot of hope at first, but when we heard that none of the 5 had ‘survived’, it hit us hard. The ground really drops away beneath your feet, because you can’t simply try again the following month. When there was eventually another retrieval, it turned out that only 1 egg was suitable. If we hadn’t gone ahead with that attempt, we would have saved the cost of the transfer. But then you lose several more months. Moreover, my sister no longer wanted to continue after turning 38, and that birthday was approaching. So we simply went for it. And from that 1 egg, our son was born. In total, it took us 2 years.”
How much does such treatment cost for you?
“For male couples, nothing is reimbursed by the health insurance fund. For heterosexual couples, female couples and transgender couples, 6 attempts per person are covered. Each attempt costs between 5,000 and 6,000 euros. Naturally, you don’t want to build up a mountain of debt before your child is even born. And having to consider stopping altogether weighs heavily. We were very fortunate in many respects: that it worked on the second attempt, that we were able to cope with it mentally and financially, that it was possible at UZ Ghent, and thanks to our sisters. For many people, it simply isn’t an option. So in reality, you are almost excluded if you don’t have a certain level of financial means. There is little awareness of that at a societal level.”
“This has brought our family very close together in many ways”
How did your own surroundings react?
“Euphorically, really. Our parents knew that we were looking for a surrogate, but when I announced during a family dinner that we had found one — who was actually sitting at the table with us — they were incredibly proud of all of us. My mother-in-law was also very happy. It has brought our family very close together in many ways. We also asked our sisters to be godmothers, and they were delighted to do so. Friends reacted very positively as well, and when we shared our story in the media, the negative reactions were negligible. On the other hand, with many organisations we first had to explain our story in detail before we were even able to access their services, such as with Kind & Gezin and the local council. The procedure to adopt my own child took quite some time as well.”
How so?
“My sister is in a legally cohabiting relationship, but she is not married to her partner. That actually worked to our advantage, because my partner and my sister were able to recognise our child in advance. After all, I cannot go to the council with my sister and say: ‘We have had a child together’.”
But your sister is therefore registered as the mother?
“Yes. In Belgium, the woman who gives birth is automatically the legal mother. If that surrogate is married, her partner automatically becomes the legal father. So my brother-in-law would have been the legal father of my child, even though Seth is biologically mine. My partner was therefore able to recognise our child with my sister, even though he is not the biological father. Fortunately, after a great deal of administrative hassle, that worked out, which meant he could already submit applications for things like Kind & Gezin, maternity care and childminders. But everything was registered under the mother’s name. We had also agreed with my sister that she would not have to deal with any of that. I have even had to go to the police to explain my story, and my sister had to explain why she was supposedly ‘giving up’ her child, even though all the authorities fully understood the situation. In the meantime, the federal coalition agreement now includes plans to establish a legal framework for this specific situation. It also uses the term ‘gestational carrier’ rather than ‘surrogate mother’, something we are all very pleased about.”
And how do such institutions respond when you have to explain your situation yet again?
“The representative from Kind & Gezin who visited us at home also acknowledged that it was strange that only the mother could submit applications. She immediately said that this is no longer appropriate today and that she would request a change. The same applied at the hospital, in the social services department. We wanted to be present at the birth and to hold our child straight away. My sister wanted that too, and the agreement with the gynaecologist and midwives was very clear: Seth would not be given to my sister, as she wanted him to go directly to his parents. The hospital was accommodating in every respect, and it was a very beautiful experience. The VUB also deserves credit: I did not have parental leave, but my adoption leave was immediately approved, and there was a great deal of understanding for our situation.”
“My child does not need to be shielded from this beautiful story, this is simply how it is”
What arrangements did you make in advance with your sister?
“Quite a lot. You have to talk about everything. What if the NIPT test shows a certain result, what if it’s a multiple pregnancy, what if there is a pregnancy loss? Fortunately, we have a very strong bond, so we were able to discuss everything and were on the same page. The general rule was: as long as it concerns my sister’s body and the baby is in her body, she has the final say. When it comes to the health of our child, we are the ones who decide. She also has 2 young children of her own, so during the process you also have to discuss what you tell them. My partner and I often looked after them more. What we were not allowed to do — and what never came up — was financial compensation. That is prohibited in Belgium. You are allowed to reimburse expenses, for example for maternity clothes and, of course, all hospital costs. UZ Ghent advised us to keep careful track of all those expenses, so that we could, if necessary, substantiate them during the adoption assessment. So we really do have a folder with receipts for maternity trousers and the like.”
Did you also agree on what role the sisters would play in your son’s life?
“The arrangements we made about that have naturally unfolded just as planned. Both sisters see themselves as aunt and godmother, and have always viewed Seth as our child — never in any other way or described differently. In those first months, we did often ask how they were feeling. My sister-in-law, for instance, does not have children. Once my sister had somewhat recovered from the birth, she said very lightly and sincerely: ‘Now I’d quite like to meet my nephew.’ My sister-in-law also came to the hospital, so that we could have a moment together with everyone who made Seth’s arrival possible.”
What story will you tell Seth?
“What we want to tell Seth will always be exactly how it happened. We are not going to hide anything or wait until a certain age to tell him. Even now, when he doesn’t yet understand, we talk about it openly between ourselves. My child does not need to be shielded from this beautiful story — this is simply how it is. Sometimes people will have questions, and we will answer them calmly and honestly, saying that we are happy as a family and that that is the only thing that matters. If someone says something to him about the fact that he has 2 dads, I hope he will be able to handle it in the same way. There are so many different kinds of families, and that is all perfectly fine, especially when there is a lot of love in your family. That is what makes a family, not its composition.”
Equal rights are under pressure in various countries. How do you view that, and how do you deal with it as a new father?
“It does frighten me at times, what’s happening in the world, but I try to focus on the impact I can have and what we ourselves can do for equal rights. It’s difficult not to be overwhelmed by the media; sometimes it feels as though you can barely breathe under the weight of all the negative reporting. But when I look at my own experience, I do feel more positive. I see how our friends, neighbours and organisations have responded, and how happy Seth simply is. As long as we keep focusing on real connections and tangible impact, and don’t isolate ourselves by consuming only media, I remain hopeful. At the same time, we are still a long way from the equality we continue to strive for. Visibility and events like Pride are so important, because we are not there yet. At the VUB, I truly do experience that freedom and embrace of differences, which is also genuinely put into practice.”
“We have always focused on the happiness that each step brought, not on how difficult it was for us compared to others”
What actions do you take yourself to strive for that equality?
“The last thing I would want is for the voices of people who oppose it — because they don’t know or understand it — to be louder than ours. I don’t need to shout, but I do want to be heard. Sometimes through larger actions, sometimes through smaller ones. Or by going to Pride with Seth, like we did when he was only a few months old. There, you see everyone enjoying themselves, united by the message that anything which spreads love and happiness is okay. It’s moments like that that make me believe we must keep fighting for this. If you grow up feeling different all the time and thinking you have to hide who you are, and then suddenly find yourself in an environment where almost everyone is like you, that is incredibly liberating. I wouldn’t want Seth to have to go through all those years first, but to experience that freedom from the very beginning. Now that the adoption procedure is completed, I want to take more action.”
Did you never feel frustration or anger during the process because it was so difficult for you?
“I wish a child to anyone who wants one, because it is an immense source of happiness, but you are dependent on so many psychologists, doctors, financial factors, institutions and so on, all of which can decide that it is not for you. That does feel somewhat dehumanising. It’s hard not to compare yourself to others. But we have always focused on the happiness that each step brought, not on how difficult it was for us compared to others. The most important thing is that we found a way. Would I like it to be easier? Yes. Would I like it to be the same for everyone? Absolutely, and that is something I want to fight for. Now that we are proud parents, and after that first year — which was wonderful but also very intense — I want to expose the obstacles. If we can improve the legal framework for the future, that would be a great outcome.”
Prof. dr. Mychal Langenus is an expert in strategic management, with a strong focus on how organisations perform, collaborate and create sustainable value. He obtained his PhD in (applied) business economics at the Vrije Universiteit Brussel (Solvay Business School) and has since built a versatile profile at the intersection of project management, stakeholder management and performance management. He is currently active as a guest professor of Project Management, where he challenges students to approach complex projects in a critical and goal-oriented way.
